I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
