using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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