the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
we're so committed to being not committed
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
