You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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