there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You took a bar mat shot.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
