new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
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