i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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