I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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