Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
