I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
