new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
