my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Randomize
