Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
