Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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