ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
