now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
