Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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