how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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