I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
