you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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