Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I wish there were birth control emojis
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
