I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize