If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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