Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
