when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
