Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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