I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
