dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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