When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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