I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
