The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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