You were right. It hurts to walk today.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
