Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
