I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
