Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
