threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
