you traded sex for a burrito?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
