I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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