So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
