The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
