The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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