Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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