Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
