Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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