I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
How external is "for external use only"?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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