so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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