a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
