I molested 6 butterflies tonight
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Boobs are out for the taking
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just had sex on a roof
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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