you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize