Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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