His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize