You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize