Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
