im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
