either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
