so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize