clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
