You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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