everyone is single if you try hard enough
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
As shirtless as possible
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
